Judy is a 38-year-old woman. She graduated from a prestige school, earning her doctoral degree, working at a top 5 accounting firm, owning a 5-bedroom-house in a nice neighborhood.  When she came to my office, all she talked about is how she feels incompetent she is. She worried about she is not able to meet her manager’s expectations which induces a lot of anxiety and insomnia for years; she is afraid her boyfriend will get bored of her eventually and leave her even though they have been together for over 10 years; she always needs to consult with others before any interviews or meetings. None of her achievements were seemed to be “deserved” in her eyes. Her belief is she is lucky to have those things in her life.

When she was recruited by a headhunter to another top accounting firm, she was hesitant and unable to make a decision if she should take the job. She said to me “I know everyone wants to go to that company, but I don’t know if I would be to meet their expectations. I don’t deserve it.” She eventually, of course, declined the offer.

Types of Impostor Syndromes

During my work, many people experience this incompetent false belief. Whether it’s ivy league students or engineers at a JPL or IT managers at Facebook, they all start with some firm beliefs around“should,” “always,” “never.”

If I were competent, intelligent, or good enough…

• I should never make any mistake
• I should know better than others
• I should be able to solve the problem
• I should not feel nervous
• I should know what to do in this situation
• I’d always know the answer
• I’d never be wrong or mistaken

In Judy’s case, she never feels she is good enough for a job, for any relationship, or for any recognitions. It is the “never good enough” AKA “imposter syndrome” that impact her self-image and self-esteem. There are several types of imposter syndromes.

1. Perfectionist. This type of person primarily focuses on details and how everything is done. Things have to be done exactly the same way or certain way. If there is any mistake or flaw, that means this is a failure. Therefore, it is shameful.

2. Expert. This type is manifested as “I know it all.” Whenever there is any topic, the expert has to know everything about this, or at least the most knowledgeable one in the room. If the person failed to know everything, even just a minor lack of knowledge denotes failure and shame.

3. Soloist. This type of person has to be the one who achieve or accomplish the work.  They cannot have any help from others because they expect themselves to be the “one” who knows how and completes it. If there is any assistance involves, it deems to be incompetent.

4. Natural Genius. This type of person focuses on the ability to accomplish things in a simple, effortless way to prove that he/she is smart and intelligent. Any signs of struggling to finish a task or master a skill evokes shame or equal to failure.

5. Superwoman/Superman. They focus on being perfect on every role in their lives, such as a good employee, a good daughter, a good daughter-in-law, a good wife, a good mother, and a good sister, a good manager, etc. Any role falls short meaning failure and evoke shame because they believe they should be able to do it all.

Overcoming Impostor Syndromes

Growing up in Asian culture, I am very familiar with this “be competitive” mode.  It is a good thing to bulk up skill set and be knowledgeable in the profession. However, when we constantly chase the endless higher standards, it can be very energy draining and daunting. Eventually, it only leads to procrastination and/or low self-esteem.

Let’s just be honest. We are human beings and we all have flaws.

Start from understanding we all make mistakes from time to time, and we can always learn and grow from mistakes. Also realize it is brave to ask for help when you need it, not shame. We all need teachers, mentors, or coaches in our lives at some points. Every successful person, i.e. singers, athletes, and entrepreneurs, all have consultants or coaches in their career. It is necessary to have someone guide you every step away and help you when you need it. If you struggle with confidence, you’re not alone. It takes practice and courage to challenge inner critic, embrace imperfect part of self, and acknowledge your capabilities.

photo credit: Engin Akyurt on Pexels